When did you last start a sentence with “sorry, but…”? Yesterday? This morning? Just now?
Or has someone paid you a compliment recently, and you quickly batted it away with an “Honestly, it was nothing.” Maybe it was something even more frustrating. The meeting where you had the answer to the Chief Executive’s question, but waited to see if someone else would speak first. They did, of course, and now no one will know what a great idea you had tucked away.
Sound familiar? Yes, you, along with many thousands of women over 40, are all slowly shrinking yourself and finally getting quietly fed up with it. This is not what you’re on this planet to do.
It starts early
As children, we received a steady stream of subtle instruction. Be polite, friendly, don’t be too loud, too excited, too adventurous, say yes, don’t say no, don’t be, well, too much of anything. We learn early that taking up space can come at a cost. The result? We are forever editing ourselves.
We apologise for being in spaces we have every right to occupy, for making our voices and ambitions smaller, for apologising even when we’ve done nothing wrong, and for softening our opinions before sharing, just in case. Of course, in the back of our minds, we know we shouldn’t be doing this, but somewhere along the way, it became the safer option.
Now you no longer feel like dancing as if no one is looking, or wear the bright coat you love, or challenge the gent who whisked into your parking space even though you were indicating. And that’s a shame.
The cost of staying small
It’s exhausting and has consequences that ripple through every corner of your life. At work, your ideas aren’t heard, promotions go elsewhere, and you feel the slow burn of invisibility despite working incredibly hard. You over-qualify ideas even before sharing them. For instance, how many times have you caught yourself saying, “I know this might be silly, but…” or “Sorry to interrupt, I was just wondering….” You are undermining yourself from the off.
In relationships, it shows up as saying yes when you really wanted to say no, not having your needs met, keeping the peace forever at your own expense and feeling resentful that you need to do this.
But it’s in your sense of self where it becomes truly sticky. Your confidence is eroded in a way you can’t explain and yet can’t ignore. You tell yourself that your needs, opinions, and presence matter less, and eventually you start to believe this.
The midlife shift
It might be that no one has ever told you this before, so I’m doing it now. Midlife can be profoundly liberating. Many women describe it as their “I’m done” moment. The energy you spent ensuring everyone else’s comfort finally runs out. This is not a bad thing and is a feeling to be embraced. It’s clarity – time to reclaim your identity and embark on a less people-pleasing and more confident, self-aware journey.
Even though you may not have been able to live your truth until now, you have been on the planet long enough to know what matters and what doesn’t in life. Think of it as your superpower from this point on.
One reason this shift arrives so forcefully in midlife is that the hormones that keep us socially compliant and conflict-averse are being stripped away. What rolls in instead is a natural, biological drop in tolerance for smallness. Your body is finally permitting you to stop managing everyone else’s feelings. Leave them to it – it’s their crisis, not yours. You’re busy finding clarity.
What taking up space looks like
This isn’t the time to get louder or become harder – you’re smarter than that. It’s about showing up as you, every side of you and becoming your full self. No apologies needed. It’s different for everyone, but it can look a bit like this:
- Letting compliments land. Try a “Thank you, I worked hard on that,” rather than deflecting the comment.
- Asking for what you want directly without spouting fifteen qualifiers first.
- Speaking up first in meetings when someone asks for a comment. Or be bold and disagree with someone while looking them in the eye.
- Sharing your opinions without apologising for having one.
- Divide up the family/household responsibilities, but don’t then do them yourself when the other person hasn’t pulled their weight. Have a conversation instead.
- Walk into every room as if you belong there, because you do.
Five powerful things to try this week
Start small. Becoming visible is a muscle, and the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
- Delete the ‘sorry,’ ‘I think,’ ‘maybe,’ and ‘just’ from your emails. It will still make perfect sense without them and will be much stronger and purposeful for it.
- Sit with the pauses. In group situations, resist the urge to fill any silence by taking a breath. Let your words carry weight, and people will listen.
- Own your achievement out loud. Tell people, including friends, colleagues, anyone, about what you’ve achieved this week. Don’t minimise what you can do. Remember, you’re done shrinking.
- Look like you mean business. Shoulders back, feet planted, eye contact. Books are written about positive body language because it is a powerful ally.
- Find your people and say goodbye to anyone who is a drain on you. Sussex has a wonderful culture of community and network, so it’s not hard to find like-minded women. Groups like Co-Women and Thrive run brilliant events right across Sussex. Or opt for a South Downs walking group or simply have coffee with someone who sees you. One thing we’re certainly not short of is cafés. Find the spaces where you can be yourself and enjoy the feeling.
Giving back
This is where women have such power. They use their ability to raise the women around them. Choosing to take up space is contagious. Amplify another woman’s idea in a meeting or mentor someone earlier in her journey. It costs nothing and changes everything.
By owning your presence, you are sending a powerful, unspoken message to the women around you. You are allowed to be here.
Taking up space is not arrogant, and confidence is not brash. It’s authenticity, and the more you show it, the quicker the world for women becomes considerably better.
Don’t worry
A word on the fear that comes with showing up. You may worry that it will make you seem too much. Too confident or too difficult. You’ve been managing this fear for a very long time, and you’re right, it won’t disappear overnight. But this is what I’ve seen many times in my work as a coach. The women who are labelled as ‘too much’ are usually just enough (finally). And the people who find them difficult? Well, they were simply more comfortable with the small version and are no longer worth worrying about.
So, in International Women’s Month, this is your permission slip to ditch the shrinking. Not that you ever needed one.
About Julie Brown
Julie Brown is a Sussex-based accredited coach, content creator, and journalist-turned-writer who works with women in midlife on confidence, boundaries, and identity. She is particularly interested in how women can end up feeling smaller, lacking confidence and without a voice and what happens when they finally decide it’s time to change.
Julie’s writing explores self-worth, visibility and the inner shifts that arrive in midlife. She believes this stage of life can be a powerful turning point, offering women the chance to step into a fuller, more unapologetic way of living: www.stillsassy.co.uk
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