Most people will admit, often with a nervous laugh, that they don’t really want to talk about their death or funeral. We avoid it, postpone it, tiptoe around it or handwave it with “Oh, I don’t mind, just do whatever.”
But ask Judith Dandy, DiP FS LM BIFD, Founder of Dandelion Farewells, and she’ll tell you something surprising, “The earlier and more openly we talk about death, the more alive we feel. Talking about it can actually bring a great sense of wellbeing. It is reassuring and often results in you feeling you have options, and those options feel like you. Talking about death is not morbid, it is grounding, empowering and protective. It softens future grief, reduces chaos, avoids conflict and ensures that when the moment comes, those left behind feel guided rather than overwhelmed.”
Judith calls this process “Lining up your ducks”, the practical, emotional and relational preparation that makes a difficult moment far less frightening.
Why we avoid the conversation
Culturally, we have drifted away from death, and Judith reflects on why we don’t know what to do with the dead anymore. Why are we so scared of death? A century or more ago, death was domestic. People died at home. Communities knew what to do. Families washed and dressed the person, laid them out in the parlour, shared stories, held vigil. Ritual and familiarity softened fear.
These days, most people have never seen a dead body and have little idea what the first hours after a death actually look like. They don’t know who takes charge, when decisions really need to be made or what rights and options they have. Many assume everything must happen immediately and worry about cost. As we approach our own inevitable demise, we tend to fear inconveniencing others and carry an underlying anxiety about “being a fuss”, often expressing this at a moment when we are least able to think clearly.
Meanwhile, funeral marketing (especially around direct cremations) tells older people not to make trouble, not to spend money, not to take up space. The result is generations of people who think their death should be as small and silent as possible.
The powerful impact of talking about death
But emotionally, psychologically, and socially, that isn’t healthy. Talking about death with your friends and family in advance can reduce fear, conflict, financial anxiety and rushed decision-making. And at the same time, it improves the grieving process, helps families feel more confident and connected, and creates a sense of continuity and care.
“Something powerful happens when people speak openly about their funeral wishes: they feel safe. Shoulders drop, breathing slows, people smile, they imagine possibilities instead of threats and they feel in control rather than frightened,” explains Judith.
Far from being morbid, conversations about death can be grounding and even uplifting. They help people reflect on what matters, what represents them and how they want to be remembered. They also help people understand how they can shape their final moments as an extension of their values. Silence, on the other hand, creates confusion and sometimes deep regret.
Why these conversations matter for families left behind
Often, of course, the process is as much about the people who remain as the person who is dying. When no plans or preferences have been discussed, families can find themselves making urgent decisions under stress or in the blur of grief.
Siblings may disagree about what Mum would have wanted, while others feel guilty about choices made when they felt rushed or pressured. Unexpected restrictions can add to the distress, whether a churchyard’s rules limit the wording, photographs or style of a memorial, or a family discovers too late that ashes cannot be placed alongside a partner’s burial. Alongside this, confusion over costs and the fear of making the wrong decision can make an already difficult time even harder.
“If someone has even had the lightest conversation, ‘I’d love a natural burial’, or ‘I want yellow flowers’, or ‘Please play this music’, it gives families enormous comfort. It centres them. It makes the grief feel held.”
“You’re here to talk about your husband,” Judith might tell someone. “But this will impact you too. If he’s buried and you want to be cremated, will your ashes go in his grave? Does that matter to you?”
These are gentle but important questions.
Practical ducks: what should we actually talk about?
Judith resists offering rigid tick-box lists, but over years of guiding families, she has identified core themes that matter.
Burial or cremation and all the variations: This includes where, how, what kind of memorial and what the landscape of options really looks like.
Personal preferences: Such as music, readings, clothing, flowers or no flowers, religious content or none, who should speak and who should carry the coffin, colours and atmosphere (“calm”, “joyful”, “gentle”, “community-led”).
Rituals before the funeral: Spending time with the person, washing or dressing with support, bringing clothing or personal items, visiting before the coffin is closed, coming to the family room and helping place photographs or letters.
Financial considerations: Not in a fearful way, but in a practical, healthy way.
Who should take charge? Who is the decision-maker? Who should the funeral director call? Who needs to be informed?
Wishes for “after”: Burial of ashes, memorial plans, location of ashes and symbolic actions (planting a tree, scattering in a favourite place).
These wishes reduce family conflict and lighten emotional pressure.
Talk early and talk lightly
Despite the long list above, don’t feel overwhelmed by it, or that you have to tackle all of it. Judith suggests starting gently, with humour or an observation:
- “I heard this song on the radio and thought it might be lovely for a funeral.”
- “I read an obituary with a woodland burial, I didn’t know you could do that!”
- “Would you want yellow flowers or white ones?”
- “Did you know you don’t have to choose the local funeral director?”
These small beginnings can lead to profound clarity.
Write down the closed-hand wishes
Closed-hand wishes are the non-negotiables, the things that matter deeply. If you feel strongly about something, write it down. Everything else, music, order of service, flowers, can be open-hand, flexible, and left for loved ones to shape.
Tell someone
This sounds obvious, but families often don’t know where documents are stored. Confusion, conflict and distress are often caused by simply not knowing where the will is, where instructions are, whether the person ever expressed preferences and whether a funeral plan even exists. Clarity is a gift.
A final thought
Talking about death doesn’t hurry it. It doesn’t summon it. It doesn’t make life darker. If anything, it illuminates life. It reveals what matters. It creates connection.
And, surprisingly, it often brings peace.
If you’d like to know more about Dandelion Farewells and their thoughtful and considerate approach, visit Dandelion Farewells
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