How to choose a personal funeral and why it matters.
For generations, funerals have followed a familiar pattern. A clergy-led service in a religious building, such as a church. A set liturgy. A procession. A burial or cremation. A wake. There was comfort in the structure: everyone knew what to expect and what to do. But over the past decade, accelerated dramatically by COVID, that landscape has changed. Families are more diverse, communities more dispersed, and personal expression more valued. Economic realities have shifted too. In this changing world, many families find themselves somewhere between two impulses:
- The reassurance of tradition
- The desire for something personal, meaningful and true to the individual
Judith Dandy, Founder of Dandelion Farewells, has been working as an undertaker for more than a decade, witnessing this shift, supporting families through it, and helping them understand that funerals don’t have to be “traditional” or “non-traditional”. They simply have to be right.
What is a “traditional” funeral
Traditional funerals are often imagined as:
- a minister
- hymns
- a set religious structure
- a hearse and limousines
- crematorium or church
- formal clothing
- a wake afterwards
Despite modern options, many people still choose traditional funerals because of faith, community expectations or the comfort of familiar rituals. Judith doesn’t discourage tradition but helps families choose with intention. “It shouldn’t be the default,” she says, “it should be the right decision.”
Some families, however, feel no connection to conventional funerals at all. They may want to avoid religion, formality, uncomfortable spaces or what can feel like a production-line experience. Instead, they choose something more intimate, natural and reflective of the person who died. Judith understands this instinctively. Rejecting tradition, she says, doesn’t mean rejecting meaning; the form can change, but the purpose must not.
The importance of being gently challenged
Part of what Dandelion Farewells does is to help families explore ideas they haven’t considered. Sometimes families assume a cremation service must take place at the crematorium. They assume a burial must be in the local churchyard. They assume a funeral director must provide a hearse, that a minister must lead the service, that the wake must be held immediately afterwards.
“People can easily sleepwalk into what they think they have to do,” Judith says. “They don’t realise the choices they actually have, or fully understand what those choices mean emotionally, practically, or even financially. Often, when we slow things down and talk things through, we find fear, misconceptions, or simple emotional overwhelm.”
The Dandelion Farewell approach is to gently open up the conversation, asking questions such as:
- What did you love about them?
- Where did they spend their time?
- What colours, textures, music or places feel like them?
- Do you want the ceremony to feel calm, uplifting, gentle or communal?
- What will help you in a week’s time? A month? A year?
What often follows is a noticeable shift. Families who begin the conversation feeling uncertain or disconnected frequently find themselves creating something deeply personal and sometimes unexpectedly joyful.
Authenticity over formality
As families become more willing to shape funerals around the individual, deeply personal formats have evolved. But Judith is honest about the risks too. “If we personalise for the sake of it, without thinking about what grief needs, that can be unhelpful. Rituals have a purpose. Even when people think they don’t need ritual, their emotional selves often do.”
This is why she offers nuance even with direct cremations. Instead of a bare, anonymous process, Dandelion Farewells gently encourages families to consider small but significant acts. Meaningful choices might include:
- Location: Ceremonies held in woodland or natural burial grounds, at home, in a garden, or in a place that mattered to the person. If a crematorium feels too formal, the main ceremony can be held elsewhere. “Crematoria haven’t always modernised,” Judith says. “For many people, they feel like old or odd spaces.”
- Presence: Do you want the coffin present? Or do you not want that? Both can be right.
- Scale: A large, formal gathering may comfort some families, while others may prefer something smaller and quieter.
- Music and words: Music chosen by the family rather than hymns; readings by friends, children or grandchildren; spoken memories rather than prescribed liturgy.
- Community rituals: Lighting candles, tying ribbons, planting trees, writing letters, carrying the coffin themselves, or placing personal items inside it.
- Timing: Does everything need to happen immediately? Or could there be two parts, a practical component now, followed by a gathering or celebration of life later? Are there certain dates to avoid?
- Onward rituals: Creating a ceremony before or after a direct cremation; spending time with the person; choosing clothing; finding moments that allow connection rather than rushing to completion, attending as the coffin is closed.
- Transport: Using a camper van, bicycle hearse or personal vehicle instead of a traditional hearse, if that better reflects the person’s life.
“These touches honour the connection,” she says. “They help people stay emotionally anchored.”
Funerals must be intentional
Whether traditional or personal, Judith stresses one thing: intentionality. Funerals live in the mind long after the day is over. “These moments lodge in people’s memories. The footsteps down the aisle. The music. Whatever it is, whether it’s a feeling of being held, of being rushed, of being seen, of being forgotten, it stays with you.”
Traditional or personal?
The truth is that modern funerals rarely fit neatly into categories. We live in a world where faith and secularism overlap, where families blend traditions, where culture is evolving. Some ceremonies look traditional but feel entirely personal. Some ceremonies look unconventional but hold profound echoes of ancient rituals. What matters is not the style. What matters is the meaning.
Dandelion Farewells offers time, presence, conversation, and the freedom to move slowly. This is where personalisation becomes more than preference. It becomes healing.
If you’re curious, have questions, or simply want to understand your options, Dandelion Farewells offers space for conversation, without pressure, expectation or urgency.
If you’d like to know more about Dandelion Farewells and their thoughtful and considerate approach, visit Dandelion Farewells
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