Say it…
Why giving honest feedback feels hard and how you can do it, so it lands well for both parties.
Let’s be honest. Most of us would rather fake our own disappearance than give honest, constructive feedback. There’s a specific kind of dread that comes with telling someone something is not right, the kind where you rehearse it in your head, soften it three times, and then… don’t say it at all.
As a coach who specialises in communication, this comes up all the time in my work with teams and with leaders. One thing that stops teams collaborating effectively is they avoid telling each other the truth.
We don’t struggle to tell people when they’re doing things right. We enjoy giving positive feedback. It makes us and them feel good. The feedback we struggle to give is the constructive kind, notably when we must tell people what isn’t working.
Why do we avoid it?
It has a lot to do with how our brains are wired. Neuroscience is the reason why our hearts start racing and our mouths go dry. The amygdala (your brain’s tiny security guard) is always scanning your environment for threat. The problem is it doesn’t really know the difference between real physical danger and social discomfort. So, to your brain, a tricky feedback conversation can feel a bit like stepping into traffic. It treats the conversation as a potential threat to its survival. So, what does it do? It tells you to stay safe and not say anything at all.
But as many of us have experienced, avoiding the conversation doesn’t remove the problem. It lets it grow and left unchecked it gets messier. Resentment often follows. We think we’re hiding our true feelings, but it leaks out in our tone, in tension, in those slightly sharp “it’s totally fine” comments that are anything but totally fine. We often convince ourselves that avoidance is protecting the relationship when in fact, it’s quietly damaging it.
So… where do we start?
Good question. I don’t have a magic wand to make these conversations easy. I’d be a rich leadership coach indeed if I did! I do however, have practical tips, borne of experience to help you step into these conversations with more confidence and hopefully, a little less dread.
Ask, don’t ambush. Don’t pounce and deliver feedback out of the blue. Ask first, “is now a good time?” It might be a good time for you, but the other person could be hanging on by a thread. If a person can choose the time and place where they can feel calm and in the right frame of mind to talk, they’ll be more open to what you have to say. It’s not always what you say that people struggle with, it’s sometimes more about when and where you choose to say it. Timing and environment matter.
Clear is kind. Be specific and clear, not wishy-washy. Step away from dramatic sweeping statements or exaggeration. “You never help” or “you’re always late” is not helpful and likely to spark defensiveness. “You’ve been late three times this week” is clear, factual, and harder to argue with.
Don’t get personal. Focus on behaviour, not personality, and on something they have the power to change. “You’re disorganised” feels like a personal attack. “You’ve been late to the last 3 meetings” keeps it grounded in behaviour and is less judgemental.
Explain the impact. It’s tempting to assume a person knows the impact of their behaviour. They often don’t. Calmly explain the impact, stating how you feel and what you need.
For example:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been late to the last three meetings. I’m feeling frustrated because I need us to start on time so we can cover everything.”
Curiosity over judgement. Once you’ve said your part, invite their perspective. We often assume we know the reasons; truth is we don’t. This is the moment to drop what you think you know and really listen. The response and reasons you’re given may surprise you.
Be solution Focused. Once you’ve both shared your perspectives, there needs to be a “how do we make this better?” moment. The conversation should feel empowering. If you’re a manager asking how you can be supportive is important.
Sandwiches don’t work. Unless it’s lunchtime that is. This is an important conversation, not a meal deal. People can spot a feedback sandwich a mile off. That doesn’t mean we don’t give positive feedback, far from it! Give praise when it is genuine, don’t use it as a tactic. People need to know from you when they’re doing well, not just when things go wrong. Be generous with regular and genuine positive feedback. When people feel seen and valued by you, it’s so much easier to swallow the more constructive stuff.
Courage over comfort. This is my abiding mantra. You can choose to be liked in the moment and say what a person wants to hear. Or you can risk being disliked in the short term and build trust that stands the test of time. You rarely get both. When my husband tells me the truth or gives me honest feedback, I don’t always like what he has to say. In fact, I don’t particularly like him in that precise moment. But after a bit of wallow time, do I respect that he tells me the truth about how he feels? Yes. Do I trust him more because of it? Definitely. Research tells us that relationships and teams that can have the hard conversations are much stronger for it.
You may be reading this thinking I can’t do it! Remember, navigating honest feedback conversations is a skill. Like practicing any skill, it will feel initially feel messy and uncomfortable. You voice may wobble and that’s normal. Over time it gets better and you become braver. So, take a deep breath, be clear, be kind and stay courageous and curious. Because on the other side is more honesty, understanding and, real positive change.
About the Author
Laura Osman is a highly respected, hugely experienced, and accredited Leadership & Team Coach (EMCC Senior Practitioner). She is also the Director of Beam Coaching and an associate lecturer in coaching at the University of East London. She works with leaders and teams across a variety of organisations including the NHS and educational bodies. Laura’s work empowers people to find their voice, step into their potential, and create meaningful change in the way they lead, connect, and thrive at work. An immensely likeable, and inspiring woman, you can discover more about Laura’s work at www.discoverbeam.co.uk
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