You’re on the phone to your mother’s GP surgery, chasing a prescription that should have been ready two days ago. Your daughter has just messaged to ask if you can proofread her job application tonight, as the deadline is looming. Your boss insists the sales report be on his desk by Friday (it’s Wednesday right now), and somewhere between all of this, you realise you haven’t eaten lunch yet.
If this sounds like your average day, welcome to the sandwich generation.
The invisible juggle
The term sandwich generation was coined in the early 80s and refers to women (and a few men) caught between caring for ageing parents and supporting children who are not yet fully independent. It’s a stage of life that doesn’t come with an instruction manual and mostly arrives without much warning. One day, you’re helping your teenager revise for exams, and then the next, you’re researching care options for your dad and wondering how you became the person everyone relies on so much.
What makes it particularly exhausting is that caring for others behind closed doors is invisible. There is no job title, no appraisal where you can let off steam, no colleague to share the load with at the coffee machine. The emotional pressure of it, the worry, the guilt, the constant mental planning, lands squarely on your shoulders while the rest of the world assumes you are happy to get on with things.
Why is the guilt so heavy?
Here’s the part no one really talks about. It’s not just the practical demands that are exhausting; it’s the guilt. It creeps up on you, making you feel you could and should be doing more, even though you’re already flat out, and guilt is a pesky burden to bear alone. You leave your mum’s house and feel guilty for not staying longer, then you get home and feel guilty about being too tired to chat to your husband or help with homework. You cancel plans with friends because there simply isn’t enough of you to go around, and then you feel guilty about that, too.
Layered on top of this is a kind of grief that’s hard to name. Watching a parent become frail and their role in life slowly changing is heartbreaking and emotional, even on the days when it’s also beautiful.
You are not failing
If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in the words, I want you to hear something very clearly, as it’s not said enough. You are not failing, you are managing an extraordinary number of complex tasks, and the fact that you sometimes feel totally overwhelmed does not mean you’re doing anything wrong. Let’s face it, even superwoman needed a break every now and then.
Women are conditioned from a very early age to absorb, and many of us become more spongelike as we mature. We take on the emotional and physical labour, the logistics, the worry, and we rarely stop to ask whether any of it is sustainable in the long term. But here’s what I’ve seen time and again as a coach – the women who don’t ask for help are the ones who burn out, and that’s not a good place to be.
Five simple shifts that can help right now
1. Have the conversations you are avoiding
If you have siblings or other appropriate family members, talk openly about how the caring responsibilities are shared. It doesn’t need to be a confrontation at all. A simple “I need us to look at this together” can change everything. Maybe they simply didn’t realise how much you’re doing. Taking time to prepare for the conversations in advance is key, so you don’t get sidetracked, which is very easily done.
2. Protect one non-negotiable
It doesn’t matter what it is – a walk, a bath, a meal in a country pub, a Wednesday evening just for you, put something you’ll enjoy in your diary. Write it in ink so you can’t easily rub it out, as you need to stop cancelling on yourself. This is important. One of my clients protected every Friday morning for an aromatherapy massage, writing the appointment in her diary in bright pink ink to remind her of its importance. Whatever it takes, time to recharge is important.
3. Let ‘good enough’ be enough
The meals don’t have to be elaborate, and the house certainly doesn’t need to be perfectly tidy and clean. Your mum doesn’t need you to have all the answers and spend all your time doing the jobs. She simply needs to know you’re there for her, so drop the impossible standards, and you’ll feel the pressure ease.
4. Accept help without saying sorry
When someone offers to pick up a prescription, sit with your dad for an hour, or take the kids to the park, say yes. Not “Oh, are you sure?” Not “Only if it’s no trouble.” Just yes. You would do it for them in a heartbeat, so let them do it for you.
5. Find your people.
Caring can be profoundly lonely, but you don’t have to do it in isolation. Sussex has some excellent, free, confidential support. Carers Support West Sussex offers practical guidance and peer groups for anyone in a caring role. Care for the Carers runs wellbeing activities across East Sussex. You can also ask for a Carer’s Assessment through your local carers’ services, which is a simple conversation focused on what you need to stay well in mind and body while carrying out your caring role.
And, of course, one of the most helpful, refreshing things to do is to simply sit with another woman who understands, preferably with a cup of tea in a café overlooking our beautiful countryside, and say, “This is hard.” There is no shame in that, but there is strength.
Your oxygen mask matters
You’ll have heard the aeroplane analogy before – put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others, otherwise, you’ll be of no use at all. It sounds logical until you’re in the thick of it and the needs of everyone else feel more urgent than your own. But this isn’t about being selfish because you need to be healthy and happy if you’re called on to care for others.
We are very lucky as Sussex is a county that gives back tenfold if you pause long enough to let it. Ten quiet minutes on a bench at Seaford Head, a slow morning on the beach at West Wittering, a tour of one of the many Sussex vineyards or a slow lap around the ponds at Sheffield Park can be enough to remind you that you exist beyond the caring, beyond the to-do list, beyond everyone else’s needs. Maybe you need a couple of hours at a lively comedy club. Whatever works.
Remember, you are a woman who deserves to be looked after, and that starts with you deciding that your needs are not optional. So, from one Sussex woman to another, you’re doing a remarkable job.
About Julie Brown
Julie Brown is a Sussex-based accredited coach, content creator, and journalist-turned-writer who works with women in midlife on confidence, boundaries, and identity. She is particularly interested in how women can end up feeling smaller, lacking confidence and without a voice and what happens when they finally decide it’s time to change.
Julie’s writing explores self-worth, visibility and the inner shifts that arrive in midlife. She believes this stage of life can be a powerful turning point, offering women the chance to step into a fuller, more unapologetic way of living: www.stillsassy.co.uk
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